Emotional Intelligence - part 2: How Can We Increase Our Self-Awareness and Manage Our Behaviours?

Becoming more self-aware 

Years and years ago, my husband Adrian would say to me, ‘When we argue, Kate, you get really aggressive.’ ‘I do NOT get aggressive’ I would retort, in a very aggressive tone, ‘YOU just don’t listen to me.’ 

To be honest, it took me a long time to recognise he was right. It also pained me greatly to admit it! Under pressure, my voice tone became harder and sharper.  

A phrase I often use in life, and in coaching, is that ‘Whilst we judge ourselves by our intention, others judge us by our behaviour.’ I hadn’t intended to sound aggressive when arguing with Adrian, I was frustrated because I felt I wasn’t being listened to. Over time I recognised that my harder, sharper voice did sound aggressive. 

Think about how you react when you: 
- are challenged, or given feedback? 
- challenge someone or raise a tricky issue? 
- get into a heated discussion with someone?  
- feel nervous or doubtful? 
- are uncertain of how to respond? 
- feel unprepared or put on the spot? 
- are treated unfairly or misunderstood? 

In these situations: 

• How do your voice tone, facial expression and body language change?  

• What do others see and hear? 

• How would you like to change this?  
  

It’s worth saying that those on the Autistic Spectrum can struggle with self-awareness. There are a range of strategies that can be really effective with this. Do contact me for more information.  

In my next post, we’ll look at how we manage these. 

How can we manage our behaviours better? 

Once we’re self-aware, we can decide how we want to change our behaviour. This is self-management. 

Once upon an argument with my husband, I was given feedback that I sounded very aggressive. This wasn’t my intention, and initially, I felt defensive about it. 
But once I took this feedback onboard, the next step was to ask myself: what can I do about this? A change was easier said than done, as this behaviour had been my default for many years!  
I recognised that when I felt frustrated, I unintentionally sounded aggressive. My voice tone changed. It became harder and sharper. My face also tightened.   
I then set out to quite intentionally use a softer, more undulating voice tone. What I noticed was that when I did so, people tended to listen more, whereas when my voice tone sounded aggressive people switched off (at work and home!).  
This took some practice! Do I do it all the time? No. Do I do it much more than I did? Yes. 

The key thing here is increasing our self-awareness and then deciding to do something about it. We’re learning more about ourselves and how others experience us, and then modifying our behaviour accordingly.  

Here’s another example. I was working with a coaching client who had feedback that she came across as arrogant and aloof in meetings. Naturally analytical, her face would frown when she was thinking. Once she recognised this she intentionally tried to soften her face, and smile more. At the same time she might say to her colleagues, ‘If I’m looking like I’m frowning, I don’t mean to, this is just my expression when I’m thinking about what’s being said.’  She was helping them to understand her better which ultimately improved their relationships and productivity.  
 

• What feedback have you had from colleagues which you would like to work on? How could you change your behaviour to integrate that feedback? 

These are challenges that clients often want to work on during leadership coaching or in our Effective Leadership Training programmes. If any of these resonate and you’d like to discuss this with me, please message me. 

Kate Jennings