How to Disagree Agreeably
Ever had conversations with colleagues where tensions run high and relationships become strained? Or where you disagree with what’s been said yet don’t feel comfortable saying so.
One of the top podcasts currently is ‘The Rest is Politics, hosted by two men who’ve been at the heart of the political world - on opposite sides. Former Downing Street Director of Communications and Strategy Alastair Campbell and cabinet minister Rory Stewart - join forces from across the political divide to discuss the issues of the moment. And they disagree, agreeably.
Being able to disagree is a vital skill for teams and individuals. It leads to better decisions, improved products/services, healthier relationships, and a more inclusive environment.
Try this1️⃣Listen First: Stephen Covey wisely counselled, "Seek first to understand before you are understood." I know the urge to jump in and make a point can be strong! By listening, we grasp the situation better, temper emotions, and often uncover clearer paths forward.
2️⃣ Show Empathy: We don’t have to agree. Empathy demonstrates understanding. When we feel understood, barriers tend to diminish. Conversely, feeling misunderstood heightens barriers.
3️⃣ Ask Open Questions: Encourage thinking over feeling. Examples:
"We both agree we need to improve the current system. How do we move forward to achieve this?"
"What are the key obstacles? How do we reduce these?"
If you're concerned about time, ask, "How long will this approach take?"
To address missing information, inquire, "If we factor in xx, how does this affect the timeline?"
For misplaced priorities, ask, "What are our priorities? How important is x, compared to y?"
4️⃣ Say 'You're Right': Acknowledging correctness can be a powerful diffuser in tense situations.
5️⃣ Find Common Ground: What do we both agree on? For instance, meeting client deadlines or completing a project. Identifying a shared goal can minimize smaller disagreements.
6️⃣ Observe Your Body Language and Tone: Under pressure, how do your body language and voice tone change? Understanding and managing these can significantly impact your interactions.
7️⃣ Use Psychometrics to create a common language to articulate differences: Tools like Insights, MBTI, CliftonStrengths similar give us a language to articulate how we’re similar and different. For example, you might feel frustrated because a colleague is taking too long analysing info. You want a decision made so you can get onto the next step. If you were familiar with the Insights colour model you might say "The Red (goal-driven) traits in me are keen to make a decision. When will this happen?" In response, the colleague with strong 'Blue' (analytical) traits could say, "While speed matters, making the right decision is crucial. We'll complete our data analysis by Thursday and we can decide together then." This approach helps frame perspectives and differences using less personal language. See here for how CliftonStrengths can help improve communication and reduce conflict in teams.)
If you’d like to discuss how to to disagree agreeably and build understanding and healthy tension in your team/s, do contact me for an informal chat.
Kate Jennings