Use of Self in Coaching – What is it and why does it matter?
Ever Felt Stuck, Bored, or Overly Nurturing During a Coaching Session?
If you’ve found yourself experiencing these unexpected feelings during a session, you’re not alone. Many coaches, even experienced ones, encounter moments when the energy in the room shifts or their role seems to change. Maybe you feel unusually nurturing toward a client or, conversely, find yourself feeling disengaged. Often, these responses aren’t random—they’re telling us something valuable about the client’s relational patterns or even the impact they unknowingly have on others. The magic lies in recognising these reactions as insights that can be used to help the client achieve deeper self-awareness and change.
This blog provides information on an upcoming 90-minute session designed specifically for coaches. Titled “Working with the Use of Self,” we’ll explore an approach that taps into your own awareness and presence as a key to working with these dynamics in real time. This way of working provides unique opportunities to support clients in ways that can reach beneath the surface to drive meaningful, long-lasting change. If you’re curious about making each coaching session a space for growth, read on to see what we’ll cover.
What Does Working with the Use of Self Actually Mean?
“Use of Self” is about recognising and appropriately using your own responses and reactions in a coaching session as a tool for deeper engagement. When you stay fully present and attuned, you gain insight into subtle dynamics as they arise in the moment. This doesn’t mean reacting to every fleeting thought or emotion, but rather understanding what your responses might say about the client’s patterns of interaction.
But what does this look like?
Imagine you’re in a session, and suddenly you feel unusually passive or overly protective toward your client. You might notice your urge to rescue, or fix them, or desire to offer advice emerging. These thoughts are clues, inviting you to consider whether the client regularly elicits this type of response from others in their life, perhaps unknowingly affecting their interactions and shaping their experiences. Bringing this dynamic gently to the surface, in a skilled way, can offer the client a rare mirror into their interpersonal impact. We’ll explore ways we can do this..
Bringing Real-Life Examples into the Room
During this session, we’ll discuss real-life scenarios that highlight the impact of the Use of Self in coaching. Think about the scenario of a client who felt an urge to fill any silence in a session. By holding back, the coach created a space for the client to reflect deeply; this eventually revealed the client’s struggle with silence in difficult conversations and what they did to ‘make it OK’ for their team member. This discovery allowed the client to see how their need to fill every silence was impacting the performance of their team and their leadership effectiveness.
These examples illustrate how the Use of Self goes beyond traditional coaching techniques by tapping into the dynamics unfolding right there in the room. It’s a way to make each session rich with learning moments that may not otherwise surface.
The Power of the Use of Self
In coaching, our authentic presence and emotions become powerful tools for transformation when we know how to use them. By being tuned into our own responses, we open up new layers of understanding for the client. The Use of Self approach brings three core benefits to coaching:
Authentic Connection and Trust-Building: When you work from an authentic place, clients sense it and feel more at ease opening up. This builds trust and creates a foundation for deeper exploration.
Raising Self-Awareness for the Client: By using your reactions as a mirror, clients gain insight into how their behaviours might impact others. This type of awareness is a stepping stone for significant growth across many relationships.
Enhanced Intuition and Responsiveness: Using self-awareness sharpens our intuition and helps us recognise underlying dynamics, allowing us to respond in ways that are both subtle and impactful.
This way of working with clients encourages them to see their habits and relational patterns from a new angle, sparking change that ripples far beyond the coaching room.
Recognising and Distinguishing Between “Our Stuff” and “Theirs”
Using the self as a tool doesn’t mean that every feeling or reaction is relevant to the client’s experience. In fact, part of the skill in using this approach is knowing how to separate what’s coming from the client and what might be our own internal reactions. How do we make this distinction? This session will cover simple practices to help with this. like checking in with yourself during moments of strong reaction.
Practical Tips and Techniques for Using the Self in Coaching
We’ll cover practical strategies and techniques that make it easier to work with the Use of Self in a way that’s both productive and sensitive. Here are a few examples of what we’ll discuss:
Centering Techniques
Awareness of Body Sensations and Emotions
Mindful Pausing
Curiosity-Driven Inquiry
How to raise what we’re experiencing with the client
These approaches help you use yourself as a tool in a thoughtful way that supports your client’s journey while keeping the focus on their needs and growth.
Aligning with Core Coaching Competencies
Using the self as a coaching tool aligns closely with core coaching competencies, such as building trust, active listening, and fostering client awareness. These aren’t just checkboxes; they’re essential skills that deepen when we use the Use of Self approach. By becoming more present and responsive in the moment, we elevate our ability to listen, tune in to subtle cues, and create a space where the client feels safe to explore new insights.
We’ll look at how the Use of Self directly supports competencies like:
Trust and Safety: Authenticity fosters a sense of safety, making it easier for clients to open up and explore their own patterns.
Active Listening and Curiosity: When we’re present, we listen more deeply, catching the nuances that might otherwise go unnoticed.
Fostering Awareness: Clients gain a richer understanding of their impact and patterns through this reflective approach, creating momentum for growth.
Next Steps: Integrating the Use of Self into Your Practice
Towards the end of our session, we’ll explore practical steps for integrating the Use of Self into your ongoing practice. Whether you’re looking to deepen your current approach or trying this for the first time, you’ll leave with strategies for bringing greater presence, insight, and connection to your client work. With practice and self-reflection, the Use of Self can become an essential part of how you work, bringing new dimensions of depth to every session.
For more information on the session Kate is delivering for Coach Advancement please click here.
Do contact me if you’d like to find out more about how 1:1 coaching or team coaching how can support individuals and teams build effective behaviours and culture.
Kate Jennings